My Cat is an Asshole

So... in case you weren't aware, I have a remote that operates hardware inside my head. 

In case you weren't also aware, I lose things on a basis which some people might describe as consistent, quite often, or... all the fucking time.

So when my remote went missing, I wasn't terribly surprised or worried -- at first. I mean, I don't often leave the house, so it was in here somewhere. It was just a matter of where. And, really, unless I desperately needed to change the settings - I was good. Still had the charger, which is much larger, and harder, though not impossible, to lose. 

But, all the normal places were a bust.

Which started to worry me a lot, because this is not something I can go to Best Buy and replace. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars to replace.

I found it today.

You don't get to bring my shit home
with you without asking, cat.

I've been well aware of how weird Poe is for awhile. Eccentric. She plays fetch, so she thinks she's a dog. She hoards with the best of reality TV, so she thinks she's a packrat.

THESE ARE THE OPPOSITE OF THE THINGS ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE.  


I'm going to have to Clockwork Orange her ass with Tom and Jerry. 


Poe doesn't appreciate my pop culture references, which just makes her more terrible. And I'd explain it to her, but then it wouldn't be funny anymore.

Poe. You've been sitting on my lap for days, in between the times I've gotten up to look. You could have spoken up anytime, but nooooooooo.


What. A. Jerk.

Happiness in Small Doses, Cyanide Not So Much

Happiness is not a state of being that lasts forever and ever. You can be overall happy in your situation, and still have some atrocious days and moods that weave their way into your smiley face tapestry. Most of us take it where we can get it.

I feel like this is some sort of shrink exercise, but what are the small things that make you happy? What completely random happenstances make you content, even if just for just the moment?



For me:

Those rare days when I can drive my car. Because despite it not being some super special classic, or an expensive Italian sports car, it is shiny and blue. These are seriously my qualifications for liking my car. I’ve said it before - I’m a simple woman. But driving it means independence, and complete control of the radio.

Used to be Prussian Blue, after the oil paint color.
When Prussia got sufficiently phased out, so did the name.

The kind of blue so abidingly deep that looking at it too long makes you feel like your retinas are being pulled forward out of your head. The closest you could get in the Crayola coloring box was Midnight Blue. What I actually mean is cobalt.

 

Actual mail. Not bills or junk mail. But actual mail. And really, I don’t even care if it is a package I ordered myself. I still get that feeling of “Yay, it is here!".

Thatched-roofed cottages on rolling green hills. The lavender fields of Provence, France.

Doors and windows with whimsical or ancient architecture. 

 

The fact that one of my cats (Poe, who is alternately ingenious and kinda stupid, and in doing so probably lives up to her namesake), who ‘monorail cat’s’ my leg.

Not my cat. This one looks much smarter,
and, considering the ledge, more like a Sylvia Plath.

I prefer it when she lays on my leg, because sometimes she tries to lay on my back if I’m turned over. This is as close as she comes to being a lapcat with me. If you’re sitting down and provide her an actual lap, it’s like it confuses her. Or perhaps she just has standards about how much leg you give her to lay upon.



Making people laugh. Can’t. Do it. Enough. I don't even need to try and be witty to fulfill this; simply sharing something I know will delight someone is enough to bring on a solid moment of happy.

11:11 = happiness,
for symmetry as well as notions about wishing.

The Muppets will always make me happy. Their latest movie seriously almost made from cry from nostalgia overload.

Just a tiny bit of Muppetry here for you. Muppets + Queen = Win.

Headshots and Shotguns

Here are a few of the things that have happened in the last couple months....

A Miami man ate another guy's face off. We're not talking about om-om-om and you get a few stitches. We're talking missing eyeballs. The police shot the guy, he still kept coming, they had to keep shooting.

Also in Florida (of course), a guy who was an actual doctor, started bashing his head open after being pulled over on a DUI, and then spat blood at police.

Did I mention that a hissing hazmat drum washed ashore in Florida, and people were told to "escape" if they could leave safely?

On May 30th, a guy in New Jersey stabbed himself, took his intestines out, and THREW them at the SWAT team which was trying to get him out of his barricaded home.

In Massachusetts, a 79 year old man killed his wife and ate her forearm.

In Texas, a woman killed her infant and ate part of the baby's brain. I can't even process this. 

In Maryland, a student killed his housemate and ate his heart and brain.

In China, this past Tuesday, a man ran up to a stranger's car, starting trying to bash in the windshield, then attacked her and started eating her face.

And this one has been going on for awhile, but there's a disease in Africa which hits children, causes them to zone out completely, have violent seizures, try to bite their way free of restraints, and become pyromaniacs. The CDC has no idea what is going on.

Hold up, hobos. Deep breaths. Here's a kitty.  

Let any feeling of impending doom be soothed by the fuzzy.

I realize that horrible, terrible, crazy things happen every day. I'm sure there's lots of unpublicized blood spitting and craziness that happens in mental institutions, or other situations, every day. So it is coincidence and an issue of news reporters choosing to focus on these stories, rather than doing their goddamn job and performing actual investigative journalism on other topics. They depend on the the fact that the public is going to rubberneck for the tragedy, and we do. And I know this.

But I have to admit, the above stories, the sheer volume of how many there have been since May... it makes me wonder.

And it makes me want to get a sawed off and stock up on ammo.