ROY G. BIV

There’s a new ebay commercial on TV, to let people know how easy it is to bid by their mobile device. A man in an auditorium with a woman by his side, who is, I assume, supposed to be his wife. There is a children’s school play on stage; we can presume that their children are involved in the production somehow.

And sitting in the audience, the man starts bidding on rims for his car. 


The tagline for this is “when it’s on your mind.”

Ebay. Because fuck everything else.

I try not to take advertising too seriously, because it isn’t like they’re usually supposed to encourage good habits anyway. McDonald’s has never tried the McModeration meal. But it drove a point home a point of ire I had earlier anyway.

Lazy fuckin’ parents. Rude fuckin’ people.

Because the above behavior is literally what is happening. We aren’t paying attention to anything important in front of us, because we’ve arbitrarily decided that whatever is on the small screen in front of us is clearly the most important.

Life is actually happening around us when we are typing about it. I’m sure as hell guilty of this behavior, but stopped being attached to my phone when hanging around with friends.

It comes down to the point of why you are where you are. If you are hanging out with your friends, hang out with them. If you are at your brat’s show about the four food groups, watch the kid in the broccoli suit do a dance. Even if Broccoli Kid isn't your kid, he might fall over, you might miss it, and that would be a damn shame. There are lots of moments out there that you could miss out on, because you’re too busy retweeting a funny cat video.

Let it be said, that I am not a parent. I’m well aware that it is a hard and often thankless job, although wonderful. I'm well aware that not being a parent, I cannot be aware of how thankless and wonderful it is. But here is my point of ire from earlier.

When I was a kid, indigo was my favorite out of the famous ROY G. BIV combo. You remember him don't you? The little formula used to make you remember the colors on the spectrum?


But society has given me reason to hate indigo, and here's why.

Indigo, pack your prismatic bags, and get the fuck out.

Indigo children. Children believed to have supernatural abilities and possibly be the next step in human evolution.


I understand the need to think your kid is special. Of course, you want to believe that. We're all special snowflakes. And I'm not even saying that there aren't people out there who are maybe a lot more intuitive to the world around them than everybody else, however you want to interpret that intuitiveness.


However, it looks to be an excuse for a lot of parents to throw up their hands and say, "my child has super powers, why should I get in the way of his development?"


Bad behavior isn't corrected, learning disabilities and mental disorders go unchecked... There's a whole host of negatives. If your kid really is that intuitive, then it is the parent's job to guide that kid, not only how to use their intuition in a beneficial way, but to not be an asshole.


Yes, kids can be assholes. You ever meet someone super selfish, who wants everything done on their time, and pitches a fit if they don't get it? Who literally doesn't seem to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them?


That's most kids - and it's normal - and is corrected when their parents teach them that their tantrum isn't going to be rewarded. They know what they want, not what they need, and for a long time can't think abstractly to consider consequences, especially long-term ones.


This attitude toward "indigo children" (yes, I just rolled my eyes) is the same thing as ignoring your kid for your phone. Difficult situation, he says no?


"Well, he's six - he must know what he wants! Jellybeans for breakfast? He must have super powered teeth that won't rot! Isn't he amazing?!"


It seems like these parents want a free pass on parenting. A free pass for the kid to essentially not interfere with their lives. And the excuse is that they were going to turn out that way anyway. So that means you get to park yourself in front of the couch and watch Cougartown, park your mind in the spot with any distraction other than your life.


I don't know if this behavior is fear, dissatisfaction, or just plain technology addiction. It is the move of an ostrich. They bury their heads in the sand, sand which just happens to be an iPhone.


I do know that these kids are eventually going to be caring for my generation when we're in the nursing home. I really hope they share the goddamn jellybeans.




Note:
If any of you super-powered fuckers give me your black jellybeans, I will find a way to make a shiv out of cards I use to play cribbage.


To everyone else my age - please don't make me play cribbage all the time. I suck at it. 


---

Feed the Trolls (They Might Need the Extra Money for Bail)

Arizona, you never cease to amaze me with your idiocy.

From the land of racial profiling where you can get pulled over just for having a super deep tan, we bring you...


Anti-Trolling Legislation, via Arizona House Bill 2549:

“It is unlawful for any person, with intent to terrify, intimidate, threaten, harass, annoy or offend, to use ANY ELECTRONIC OR DIGITAL DEVICE and use any obscene, lewd or profane language or suggest any lewd or lascivious act, or threaten to inflict physical harm to the person or property of any person.”

This has passed both the House and the Senate. It's just waiting for the governor's John Hancock.


Are you....fucking...kidding me?


Hobos, hold up just a sec. I need to get some swearing out of the way on behalf of the intartronz brethren from Arizona.

Fuck, fuckity, fucknugget, cocksucking douche-canoes!

...Okay, back.

Seriously? Seriously?! You tools of the Black & Decker variety can eat me. You don't have anything better to do right now than introduce this bill? 'Cause it isn't like we're in an economic crisis or anything, right? 'Cause it isn't like your state has a huge meth problem, right? 

I understand wanting to curtail cyberbullying, I do. I'm not advocating that people should be able to terrify or threaten people, or make repeated unwanted sexual advances. But if you really feel the need to start down this slippery slope, you can make an amendment to current harassment laws already on the books to include mediums of the internet.

But "annoy or offend"? Really?!

This law is broad like 80s shoulder pads.

Here are some broads wearing shoulder pads.

People have different lines as to what will annoy or offend them. I could tell someone I don't like their shirt and that could annoy or offend them. You might annoy me with your religious beliefs; you might get annoyed with me about my lack of them.

As to profane language, are they going to put up a list? 'Cause that can be pretty open-ended as well. To some people, "goddamn" is profane. I make no judgments about what is considered profane to them, but I still have the right to say it. And they have the right to tell me to shut up. And that's to say nothing of how hard it can be to discern a person's intended tone when dealing in the written word with strangers, let alone the fact that a good deal of knuckledraggers have a lil' bit of trouble cluing into context.

"Well, blow me down! Ag-ag-ag...jail."

People are dicks to each other on the street all the time. Should they be? No. 

I don't enjoy dickery, just like I don't enjoy trolls. But being a prick isn't against the law. It shouldn't be against the law. If a person can't get arrested for saying it in person, it is ridiculous to hold the internet to a higher standard. And there is a deep howling chasm of difference between repeated harassment and an off-color comment.

In fact, isn't there a thing... Wait, it's on the tip of my tongue... Something-Stitution, that is supposed to grant freedom of speech? We can't prosecute members of NAMBLA and the KKK for their "beliefs," but you're seriously going to make the case that I can't tell an idiot that they're being an idiot?

There's a whole other angle to this as well. This is the internet, where trolls come from far and wide, so what happens when someone from another state or country breaks this fantastical law?

I'm not a lawyer - and might be wrong on this, but it seems to me that this can largely only be enforced if both parties are from Arizona. (Unless these genius legislators push for this to also be covered in the federal anti-stalking law, which includes the word "harassment" in the wording. And considering the state, I wouldn't be surprised.)

And that's not to mention the hassle to the courts, the police department, as well as the telecom companies, who will be inundated with requests.

“This guy made fun of me drinking a Cosmo on Twitter. He said, and I quote - that it was a ‘fucking girly drink.’”

“Okay, sir, fill out this information and provide a link. We will need to contact the website to get the accused's IP address if it isn’t logged, and permission of their cable service provider to give us their name and address.”

“But he annoyed me todaaaaaaaaaaaaay.”

“Sir, you’re annoying me right now.”

Not to mention the issue of intent, because either you're allowed to state that you did not intend to annoy or offend, or it becomes completely subjective and left to the judge to decide what was going on in your head.

I feel like this is some sort of cosmic Orwellian joke, but laws which infringe on civil liberties have been stacking up like IHOP pancakes. 

"You seriously expect me to choke this down?"

And much like those pancakes, too much isn't a good thing, and the syrup gets all over you, the table, and whatever girl you end up getting to second with in the parking lot. 

With ooey gooey faux sweet intentions, America is taking yet another backward step. 

....But if anyone from Arizona asks, I didn't say that. 

(Time magazine article on this topic.)